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This question was answered by marriage and family therapist Moraya Seeger DeGeare. The conversation has been edited for length and clarity.
My heart truly goes out to both of you. I’ve worked with couples working through this, and there’s no right and wrong.
We’re looking at several questions: How do I support this person I love? Should we try IVF again? And how can I tend to my grief when my partner is weeping next to me?
The first thing to do is calm your bodies down. There is a lot of pain here. Come together as a couple to bring less stress to your life. Work out together, meditate, go to therapy.
Once you both get to a place of calm, have a conversation about your emotions regarding the decision to try IVF again. One partner may be driven by practicality or the fear of losing money. Another may be driven by the desire to experience pregnancy. You may find that you have the same fears, but are expressing your feelings very differently.
Ask yourself some hard questions. Is the clock ticking in terms of a potential pregnancy? If we spend the money on IVF, how are we going to recoup the savings? What fears does your partner have about fostering and adoption?
Then talk about what a meaningful life looks like for the both of you. We often attach ourselves to what the future is going to look like. When we do that, we attach to so many factors outside our control, like having a baby. But there are some aspects of the future that you do have autonomy over, like financial stability and healthy relationships. How can you flourish and create a beautiful life together? Create a plan around that.
Don’t forget to allow yourself to grieve. It’s easier to hold onto hope for a pregnancy when we allow ourselves to accept the idea that it might not happen, but also say it’s OK to try.
This story was written by Malaka Gharib. It was edited by Beck Harlan and Andee Tagle. The visual editor is Beck Harlan.
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